Dirty Little Secret
by FifteenthVector
Summary: It's Hikaru and Kaoru's seventeenth birthday. Annnd...there's insanity. Awesome.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I was driving to the beach the other day with my friend, and we noticed this hilarious bumper sticker. And my friend, awesome as always, suddenly asked me, "Can't you picture Tamaki in a shirt that said that?" I replied "Yes, but only with some badass leather pants!" As we were cracking up, I started thinking. When I got home, I thought some more. And this, which is turning out to be longer than I expected, was born. **

**I'm doing a little contest to tie into this story! The first people to find the alliterations I've hidden in here and post their finds in a review (hopefully with criticism included) will get a prize! I don't know what kind of prize, but still…I'll come up with something. These alliterations are hidden everywhere that has something to do with the story, except for my profile; therefore, they are cleverly hidden (I hope!) throughout the actual story, a/ns, other places…I should stop talking now. But you have to read the story to understand the contest.**

**And so here we go – chapter 1.**

* * *

Hikaru and Kaoru's birthday parties always had a theme to them. One year the theme was symmetrical, and another year, duct tape. A particularly memorable year, their fourteenth birthday, was neon; the blinking and flashing lights had sent two maids to the hospital with seizures. The most recent year, which happened to be Hikaru's favorite, was gangster themed. It ended with a water gun shootout and Honey holding Tamaki ransom for three year's supply of strawberry shortcake.

Due to desperate pleas from his mother to have a more benign party this year, for their seventeenth birthday party Hikaru and Kaoru decided upon a simple slumber siesta, with…no obvious theme? Whenever they explained it, all they received in return was a blank stare. Nobody got it without an explanation – except for their mom. As soon as they told her, she had said "Let me guess; it's alliteration." Which was, of course, right. (Seventeenth…simple…slumber…siesta. They all start with s.) It was weird how she understood what they were thinking so often. She was just as devious as them, their mom. She pretended not to be able to tell them apart, but knew just as well as the twins did who was who.

Naturally, this party theme had ulterior motives – Hikaru was, to put it bluntly, in love with Kaoru. It was weird, unnatural, society and in general _everyone_ found it repulsive, but really, Hikaru didn't care. He loved Kaoru. It was as simple as that. Those things didn't matter. As long as he had Kaoru, could hold him at night and know that he shared something with his younger brother that no one else did, their own little world, it was enough, and he could believe that they would be together, someday.

He was sick of hiding it, though, sick of lying to Kaoru, but so many barriers stood between the day when he could lay bare his innermost feelings to him, and the present, when he lied about practically everything to him.

Hikaru was sitting at his favorite spot in the mansion, a window seat that overlooked their circular driveway. The drive was lined with leaning trees; their branches met and intertwined over the road. It was both the perfect vantage point from which to see the party guests arriving, and also a perfect place to think. He sighed, and shifted, trying to get comfortable. Every time he thought about the party, second thoughts and doubts flooded his mind.

_For Kami's sake, I don't even know if he's gay! Nothing would be worse than him being repulsed by me, but at the same time, what if he is gay, but doesn't think of me in _that_ way? But then again…_

He could go around in circles like this for hours, never coming to a definitive conclusion, only worrying himself more. Wondering what to do would only waste time, but it made him feel better.

He was so worried because in one of his common impulsive moments, he'd had come up with a harebrained scheme. What better circumstances to confess to someone then when slightly intoxicated and watched by your closest friends? Now that he thought about it, that didn't sound as good as it had when he hatched that little plot. Oh well. Too late to back out now, but as for the alcohol…_That'll work._ He would just put green tea in his and Kaoru's glasses; it looked similar enough to beer that the others wouldn't notice.

The first of the luxury cars was pulling up to the front of the house. Hikaru slid from the window seat to greet their guests.

* * *

Down in the grand foyer, one of the maids swept the two story front doors open to reveal Hunny and Mori.

"Happy birthday, Hika-kun and Kao-kun!" Hunny said happily. Hikaru and Kaoru trotted down the last flight of the curving staircase.

"Hey guys." Hikaru said.

"About time."Kaoru added, kidding. Over Hunny's head and through the open door, Kaoru saw another car arriving.

"That's probably Milord and Haruhi. He probably convinced her to ride with him again." he said. His guess was confirmed when the car's occupants spilled out, an overly enthusiastic blonde and a tiny, dark haired girl. She was carrying two small, neatly wrapped packages, which she handed to the twins when she arrived on their doorstep. Tamaki was following her, unable to see beyond the gigantic wrapped package that he was carrying. As soon as he got to the door Mori grabbed the box from him and set it down.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU BOTH!" Tamaki said extraordinarily loudly, as he hugged both of the twins.

"Jeez, milord. Back off." Hikaru said, wrenching himself out of Tamaki's grasp. Offended, Tamaki went to lean against the door in a sullen model's pose. His plan worked for about ten milliseconds, for the door wasn't supported by anything. It swung open, causing Tamaki to fall backwards and go tumbling down the front steps. His fall was stopped by a tree.

Tachibana held Kyoya's door open, and the Low Blood Pressure Demon Lord ascended the steps to the Hitachiin mansion. As he passed by Tamaki, he glanced at him and thought about helping him up, but when Tamaki said "Mother, please help me!" Kyoya just walked past him.

"Happy birthday, you two." He said to the twins, handing them a slim box. They waved off the gift and his sentiment like divas. Kyoya made his way over to where Haruhi was standing.

"Yeah, yeah. Heard it before." Hikaru said carelessly. "Just put our gifts over there, guys." Mori picked up the huge box Tamaki had brought, which no doubt contained something completely useless, and followed everyone into the sitting room. Once an opulent pile of gifts had been formed, and Tamaki had dragged himself back into the room, Kaoru suggested they play poker. But first, they went in search of alcohol. Rich bastards will act like rich bastards, as Haruhi so eloquently put it.

* * *

"Well, men - and Haruhi," Hikaru added hastily, "let's play some poker. Losing hands take a drink. Ready?" The assembled club members nodded, and play commenced. Hikaru dealt, and each viewed his opening hand.

Hikaru looked around the table, which was inlaid with lapis lazuli mosaics, and sized up his competition.

_Honey – no opposition there._

Honey had such an open face that his fortune or misfortune was always plainly visible. In short, he wasn't a very good poker player.

_Mori…I actually don't know. Hell, I don't have a clue._

_Kyoya is a threat. He looks like he knows what he's doing._

Kyoya, naturally, was an amazing poker player. He had it all – the composure, quick thinking, the ability to read others.

Hikaru, intent on gauging his opponents' poker prowess, failed to notice that Kyoya and Haruhi's free hands were entwined underneath the table. He was observant in some ways, but completely ignorant in many others. He still hadn't figured out they were dating, and they'd been together for four months.

Tamaki was an open book. He might as well be screaming that he had a moderate hand…perhaps a pair?

As for Kaoru, Hikaru could read his every expression, every subtle quirk in his persona. Easy.

He looked at his hand. _Score!_ A pair of jacks. Knowing that this was a fantastic hand to begin with, Hikaru started betting heavily. By the end of the round, he had only twenty dollars in chips held in reserve. The final round of betting ensued, and Hikaru smiled. _Got this in the bag._ And then Kyoya laid his hand on the table.

He had a flush. _Shit._

While Kyoya raked in a huge pile of chips, Hikaru remembered the penalty he had set earlier, and angrily drank some of his beer. The others did as well; Honey and Tamaki had both opted to drink sparkling water instead of beer, but the twins had spiked Tamaki's with vodka. He was always hilarious when tipsy; he would do or say pretty much anything.

The rest of the game followed suit – Kyoya dominating, with Hikaru either coming in second or occasionally beating him. By the end of the game, Mori and Haruhi were broke. Haruhi was so awful at poker that she had managed to lose even with Kyoya constantly and discreetly adding chips to her pile. She couldn't gamble to save her life, but Kyoya sure could.

* * *

Everybody was sufficiently tipsy at this point, which would aid Hikaru in the next stage of his plot. _Time for the next game._

"Has anyone ever heard of the commoner game 'Never Have I Ever?'" Hikaru asked the group. Tamaki shot up out of his chair in excitement, and in his haste his elbow clipped his drink. It spilled all over him, the table, and everything else, but he was too caught up in his joy to care.

Sopping wet and dripping alcohol on the marble flooring, he said excitedly, "It's really popular at parties! Can we please please please play?"

"All in good time, Tamaki. Haruhi, I'm guessing that you've played this before. Do you want to explain?" She shook her head.

"The honor's all yours."

"Excellent. Basically, one person says 'Never have I ever' and then says something they have never done. If someone else in the circle has done it, they have to take a drink. They also have to explain the circumstances, if the person who issued the question tells them to. And don't you dare lie." He looked at Kaoru, and identical, mischievous grins spread onto their faces. "Because if you do, I have some very, very nasty plans up my sleeve. Got it?" Everyone got up from the poker table because it was still covered in Tamaki's sparkling water/vodka, and headed into one of the mansion's many lounges. Nobody, excluding Kyoya, was very sober; Mori slammed his head into a shelf when they were walking down the hallway, and Haruhi was giggling in a very un-Haruhi like manner. Kyoya was walking with his hand on her elbow in case she tripped.

* * *

They reached the lounge and all sat down, but Haruhi noticed that Tamaki wasn't there.

"Guys, where's Tamaki?" she asked. Just this simple question had the twins snickering. They just shook their heads.

"He'll be here soon, Haruhi. Chill." Kaoru said, smirking.

When he'd asked Hikaru to borrow some clothes because his were sopping wet, Tamaki wasn't exactly sober. So when Hikaru had said "Sure, Tamaki, but the only clean clothes I have are these…" Tamaki had completely believed that Hikaru only had one clean outfit, even though Hikaru was filthy rich, like everyone else at Ouran (Haruhi, as always, excepted). So Tamaki had accepted the proffered clothing and gone to change. Hikaru, impatient and sick of waiting, had ditched Tamaki and gone to the lounge.

* * *

When Tamaki finally showed up, his appearance sent the twins into hysterics.

For starters, he was wearing an extremely bright pink shirt with bold black lettering. Upon closer examination, it said:

"Let's get one thing straight - I'm not."

To complement the shirt, which Kaoru had bought for Hikaru as a joke, Tamaki wore the tightest pair of leather pants known to man. Hikaru and Kaoru had actually hand tailored them to Tamaki's measurements.

Wondering why everyone was laughing at him, Tamaki asked "What's so funny, guys?" Hikaru couldn't answer, because he was literally rolling on the floor he was laughing so hard. Kyoya was trying not to laugh to Tamaki's face and barely succeeding, but Haruhi was laughing unashamedly, unable to keep her composure in the face of alcohol and gayboy pants. She laughed so hard she fell off of the chair she was sharing with Kyoya. Mori was actually chuckling, and Hunny was giggling.

Kaoru had tears streaming silently down his cheeks, and was doubled over laughing. He wiped the tears away and managed to say "…Not you…Hunny…said something…"

Tamaki didn't care. The pants were pretty comfortable, after all. And he loved the color of the shirt; it was sooo bright! He settled down next to Mori on the floor.

"Let's get started, guys!" he chirped.

Once he had stopped laughing and regained the ability to speak, Kaoru said "I'll go first." He was sitting on an elegant, olive green sofa, sandwiched between Hikaru and Honey.

"Never have I ever…punched a dentist." Kaoru said maliciously. Hikaru gave him an extremely dirty look before taking a drink. So did Hunny. Surprised, Kaoru added "Explain, guys."

"I really don't like the dentist, and I had to get a root canal…" Tamaki snickered, but poorly covered it up by pretending to cough.

"In other words, after that appointment we got sued and had to find a new dentist." Kaoru added.

"I had eight cavities once." Honey said. "And the dentist tried to give me six shots on the roof of my mouth." Hikaru winced, which had everyone else laughing.

"We're going in a circle, right?" Honey asked. Hikaru nodded. "Then it's my turn!"

"Never have I ever cheated on a test!" he said happily. The twins and Tamaki drank. Kyoya took a sip so quickly that Hikaru almost missed it. But he didn't miss it, so he winked at Kyoya, and then inwardly laughed at the look on the boy's face.

"Never have I ever kissed a member of the same gender." Mori said quietly. Haruhi, obviously, took a drink. The twins tried to hide it, but they drank too. Under the gazes of the entire club, Kaoru broke down.

"We were five, okay? It didn't mean anything!" Kaoru said indignantly. "Just because I like guys doesn't mean I've…" He flushed a brilliant shade of red to match his hair.

Kaoru was silently freaking out. He couldn't believe he'd said it! Hikaru was never going to look at him the same way again. Now that Hikaru knew his dirty little secret, everything between them would be so…altered. Hikaru was obviously not interested in him in _that_ way, the way Kaoru so desperately wished him to be, and this one tipsy slip-up would change everything.

Hikaru, very aware that his right side was pressed flush against Kaoru's, was also freaking out.

_Holy shit. Holy effing shit. He's gay. That means that…I have a chance._ Rash as ever, Hikaru decided to carry out his confession plan. That one revelation had filled him with hope that maybe, just maybe, things would work out.

"My turn! My turn!" Tamaki was practically jumping. "Never have I ever…been on LSD!" Of all people, Kyoya drank. He was lying on the floor on his stomach, about a foot away from Haruhi. Seeing the shock mirrored on every face, he explained.

"It was all Tamaki's fault, actually. He decided I needed to 'loosen up a little', so he drugged me." Kyoya sure didn't look happy about this. Everybody stared at the blonde. Tamaki was _much_ scarier than they had thought.

"But Kyoyaaaaaa…" Tamaki whined, dragging out the last syllable of his name, "You were being so boring! And I wanted you to have fun!" Make that extraordinarily scary _and_ absolutely idiotic.

Hikaru had finally noticed that Haruhi was practically sitting on Kyoya's lap, so he decided to test his theory.

"Ohhkaay then. Never have I ever dated someone from club." Hikaru said. Kyoya and Haruhi both picked up their cups and drank. Since nobody else drank, it was pretty obvious who they had dated.

"So, you're dating each other. Unless Renge is involved…" Hikaru postulated maliciously. Kyoya spit his drink out.

"When hell freezes over." he said. Haruhi hurriedly corrected him. "No way. Renge doesn't even know about us, so don't tell her. Actually, you guys are the first to know."

"We won't tell anyone, Haru-chan!" Hunny said, happy that Haruhi and Kyoya had finally confessed. He and Mori had figured it out about a week after the two had gotten together, but hadn't told anyone.

"Never have I ever been… attracted to somebody of the same gender." Haruhi said. Nobody moved; the room's occupants froze. Breaking the tension, Kaoru raised his cup to his mouth slowly, and drank. Several awkward seconds passed silently. Hikaru was steeling himself to just _pick up the damn cup already_, but he lost his nerve and chickened out, aborting that step of the plan, and therefore going straight to phase three.

"This is getting boring. How about we spice it up a little?" he said carelessly.

"In what way?" Kyoya asked cautiously, wondering what Hikaru had hidden up his sleeve.

"Why Kyoya, thank you for asking first. We are going to play a little game called 'Five Truths and a Lie'. To start, pick one person please, Kyoya." Hikaru's eyes met Kyoya's, and the redhead, while pretending to stretch, pointed his leg at Tamaki.

"Tamaki." The blonde winced, envisioning torture in the form of the twins making Haruhi dress provocatively, then finding a can of whipped cream; with cream-that-had-been-whipped in hand, they would stand menacingly over her, while she cowered in a corner covered by their pooling shadows…

"Okay, Tamaki. You need to leave the room until we motion for you to come back in. I'll explain the rest of the game to you once we've finished our part in here. And please shut the door on your way out." Hikaru said, dissolving Tamaki's delusions into dust.

Tamaki walked out, oblivious to the plotting going on in the lounge and fully occupied with his daydreams about him heroically rescuing Haruhi.

He believed the twins were his biggest competition for Haruhi's heart, when in reality, he had nothing to worry about from Hikaru and Kaoru. Or from anyone aside from Kyoya, who had already staked his claim to Haruhi. Really, Tamaki had zero chance with her. He still ignored the fact that she was with Kyoya, hoping that she would one day 'come to her senses' and rush to him, instead of his best friend.

"Here's the plan." Hikaru said. "We're going to have a little fun with Tono, and here's how."

* * *

He proceeded to outline what was probably the most outlandish plan he'd ever concocted.

"When we tell Tono to come back in, we'll say that we changed our minds, and instead are going to play Seven Minutes in Heaven. More likely than not he'll want to go first, which we will let him do. Then we will send somebody else in there, and watch the fun begin. Any volunteers?" Everybody looked at Haruhi. She shook her head emphatically.

"If you send me in there, I won't come out alive." Which actually made sense. Tamaki would probably smother her with kisses.

Kyoya, surprisingly enough, agreed also.

"If we send Haruhi in there, it's too obvious who she is. The only indicator Tamaki will have of the identity of our sacrifice is the sound of their footsteps, and Haruhi's are too distinct. The rest of us, excluding Hunny, are around the same weight. It makes sense to send someone else." He said this sensibly, in a no-nonsense manner, as if this was all business to him, and nothing more.

In reality, he just didn't want Haruhi getting molested by Tamaki.

"Let me think…got it!" Hikaru swiveled to face Mori, who was sitting at the foot of Honey's chair. "Mori, you'll walk in. Since you're so quiet, Tamaki won't know who walked in. When he tries to kiss you, bitchslap him. Or whatever else you want to do. And when he runs out screaming, we'll enact phase two."

"Which is…?" Haruhi asked.

"While Tamaki and Mori are _occupied_, we are going to disperse across the mansion. Honey is going to hide in the kitchen and Mori will join him shortly after phase one, Kyoya and Haruhi will be on the roof, and Kaoru and I will be hiding in the room we share. Honey and Mori will hide in the kitchen because we have fresh cake…and that's the only reason I could think of for you guys to hide there." Kaoru got off of the couch and grabbed a small box from behind the armchair Haruhi and Kyoya were in.

"Kaoru and I will hide in our room, because it seems too obvious, and so Tamaki will never think to look there. Kyoya and Haruhi, you'll be on the roof because there's only one door to it, and Tamaki doesn't know where that door is." While Hikaru was speaking, Kaoru handed out small handheld screens to each pair. Kaoru then explained the screens to the group.

"These are security monitors. The button on the side switches between the various security cameras in the mansion. With these, you guys can watch Tamaki going crazy from anywhere near the mansion's wireless mainframe. The only place that doesn't have a camera is the roof, and I don't know why not. So if we lose Tamaki, more likely than not he is there."

"Everyone ready?" Hikaru asked. Everyone murmured their assent, so Hikaru and Kaoru got up and left the room to look for Tamaki. They could hear the twins yelling "TONO!" at the top of their lungs.

"You guys sure you want to do this?"

* * *

**A/N: Multiple days…nine pages…and a minor concussion later, here we are! I got a concussion because I was in my pool, and this total loser (one of my best guy friends…but he's still an ass for doing this) jumped in, right on top of my head. The people in the emergency room thought this was pretty funny, for some reason. **

**So, what do you think so far? I've blown off studying for round one of my AP exams for this - not that I mind! **

**Gah…I have to take AP exams two years instead of one, because I'm taking AP class's junior (this year) and senior year. So if you guys review, then I won't feel so awful when I fail…just kidding. I think.**

**I never realized it, but I've mentioned Kami, without explaining it. Kami is a Japanese spirit/deity – basically, the equivalent of saying God, here in the homeland. **

**Hehe…there is more to come. I promise!**

**Just to let you guys know…the more you review, the faster I will get the next chapter up. It's motivation and pretty much the same as bribing me…except I'm receiving absolutely no monetary compensation for my endeavors on . Right, lawyers?**

**Dang, that was a long A/N.**


	2. Tamaki's Gone Wild

**A/N: Sorry about the wait guys. It's been a crazy week (crazier than usual, anyway). **

**And now I present you with chapter two, Tamaki's Gone Wild.**

The second Hikaru and Kaoru were out of the room, Haruhi tiptoed to the door and shut it, so she could voice her concerns.

"You guys sure you want to do this?" Haruhi asked. "It seems a little…extreme."

"It sounds like fun!" Hunny said. "It's not like its hurting Tamaki, Haru-chan. It's just another game. And when it comes down to it, it's Hikaru and Kaoru's birthday, so we should do what they want to." It was pretty clear that Hunny was wearing Haruhi down. Already she was considering going along with it. Those puppy eyes were a pretty effective weapon. Haruhi sighed – could she ever say no? Apparently not.

"Fine, but only if we agree that nobody ever hears _anything_ about tonight. At all." Haruhi, being smart and practical as always, knew that all hell was about to break loose. And the last thing she needed was for people to hear about whatever happened tonight. She could lose her scholarship, if the rumors spread far and fast enough.

Everyone agreed. It made sense, after all. The twin's parties always were out of control, and tonight would obviously be no different. With the way things were going, by the end of the night at least one person would have passed out and at least twenty thousand dollars worth of furniture/accessories would have been destroyed.

**

* * *

**

Hikaru and Kaoru strolled down the hall on the second floor, periodically shouting "TONO!" at the top of their lungs.

Hikaru's eyes were on the marble tiling. He couldn't think of anything to say, when foremost in his mind was Kaoru's unintended confession, and what he was subsequently hoping would occur that night.

"Hikaru, you do know that there are six different cameras covering every angle possible on the roof. Right?" Kaoru suddenly said.

"All part of the plan. What better blackmail then a little footage? Renge will probably kill somebody to get her hands on that tape. And Haruhi and Kyoya won't know we can see them, because our bedroom isn't watched. It all works out." Hikaru winked. Kaoru grabbed his hand. It was a habit they'd cultivated when they were little, because looking cute and innocent gave them that much more leeway when they got in trouble. And they'd just grown up that way; it wasn't an unusual sight to see the twins walking hand-in-hand in the gardens while they masterminded their latest plot.

Hikaru always wondered if holding hands like this meant something different to Kaoru then it did to him. He doubted that Kaoru _noticed_ everything the way he did; noticed when their arms brushed together while they were walking, was aware of the subtle melody the taps of their footsteps made, the way the moonlight that shone from the windows in the hall illuminated Kaoru's bronze hair…

"There he is!" Kaoru yelled, dropping Hikaru's hand and sprinting towards Tamaki. The tall figure was sitting in a window seat, staring out at the full moon and whistling.

"Come on milord, everyone is waiting." Hikaru said. He grabbed one of Tamaki's arms and, Kaoru having grabbed the other, they pulled him into a standing position and started to lead him down the hall.

* * *

"And then she decided that nothing would be better than to steal all of the maple syrup from every store in town, to try and "forge a bond between herself and the twins". Really, she was just asking to get pranked. And the next week, when she confessed to them in the main courtyard, several hundred gallons of maple syrup were poured on her from the second floor." Kyoya said, telling an anecdote about another overzealous fangirl.

A loud crashing noise diverted everyone's attention from the matter at hand. Rushing outside to investigate, the sight that awaited them was Tamaki lying face down on the floor. Hikaru and Kaoru stood over him, shaking their heads with contempt.

Tamaki was _not_ a coordinated drunk.

Mori went and picked him up, dusting off Tamaki's shirt and moving the table he had hit back to its rightful spot.

"As we said milord, we're playing Seven Minutes in Heaven in this closet over here." Kaoru pointed lazily at the closet behind him

"And since you had to wait outside and didn't even get to play, you can go first!" Hikaru added.

"Okay!" Tamaki said. He opened the closet door, walked in, and shut himself into the closet. Hikaru put his finger to his lips and whispered "Now, we'll keep this up until he passes out or gets boring. When that happens, we'll signal you through this." He held up his security monitor. "It'll vibrate when Tamaki's boring, and beep when he's one hundred yards away from you."

"Wait a second. Does that mean you've got Tamaki chipped?" Haruhi asked. Kaoru winked and simply said "Go. Quietly." The group dissipated as they went to their designated positions. Haruhi and Kyoya ran up the stairs as Hunny melted into the shadows. Hikaru stayed behind to help Mori.

Hikaru grabbed Mori's wrist and pulled the boy to the side of the hall. He then addressed Mori, whispering frantically.

"As soon as we're gone, go in, stay alive, and get out. Try to prolong it as long as possible, but don't earn us a few extra seconds at the price of your virginity. Oh, and don't kill Tono, okay?" Mori nodded. Hikaru scampered off to join Kaoru, who was waiting for him at the foot of the stairs; they sprinted up the grand, curved stairs noiselessly, racing to their room.

Mori waited for several seconds, simultaneously giving the others time to hide and trying to find a way out of this. He exhaled quietly, resigned. There was no getting away with not doing it. He put his hand on the ornamental, matte black handle. This was going to be a _very _long night.

Making every effort to be as silent as possible, he opened the door and slid inside.

The interior of the hall closet was dimly lit and smelled of leather and very faintly of women's perfume. Mori shut the door behind him and leaned against the wall next to where it opened. It was the quickest escape route, and therefore the lifeline he was clinging to.

"Wh-who's there?" Tamaki slurred. He was a very interesting drunk; he would exhibit the typical signs of intoxication (slurred speech, lack of coordination, etc.) for multiple hours, but wouldn't pass out for a surprisingly long time.

Mori figured that the best way to drag out this venture would be to stay silent. Tamaki may have been under the influence of alcohol, but he wasn't so inebriated that he would make out with a guy. And Mori couldn't pitch a falsetto to save his life.

Lacking an answer, Tamaki tried again. "Hellooooo?" Mori tried to pinpoint where the voice was coming from. It appeared to be originating from somewhere around…his feet? His guess was confirmed when he pushed his foot forward slightly and hit a human.

"Ouch!" Tamaki exclaimed. "Wha' was that for?" His voice then changed tone in a way that disturbed Mori greatly. "Hey goooood lookin', what's cookin'?" His hands latched onto Mori's sock-clad feet.

Mori tried to back up, but his back was already against the wall. Tamaki's hands slid up Mori's legs. Being groped by Tamaki was possibly the most disturbing thing that had ever happened to him. He just wanted to get out of there, but he didn't want to ruin the fun for everyone else. If Tamaki got loose too soon, it wouldn't bode well. Tamaki's hands continued to roam, but when they got to Mori's very noticeably flat chest, Tamaki freaked.

"You-you-YOU'RE NOT A GIRL!" He screeched. After several panic-filled seconds in which he stood with his hands on Mori's chest, freaking out, he decided that he didn't really care. He had to play, right?

He grabbed Mori's chin and kissed him full on the lips. And that was as much as Mori was willing to endure.

He grabbed Tamaki's wrists, and in a flash he had twisted the blonde's arms behind his back. He opened the door, ran outside, and held it closed. Tamaki tried to pull the door open and failed miserably against Mori's strength. As soon as he heard Tamaki give up, Mori ran for it. He knew that it would take several seconds for Tamaki to try again, giving him time to make his escape.

Tamaki stumbled out of the closet, practically yelling "Hey! We're not done yet!" He looked around, confused. "Guys? Heee-lllllooooo?" He drug the word out, enjoying the reverberating echoes.

* * *

Kyoya opened the door to the roof, only to find that another set of stairs awaited them. Hopefully this would be the last. Haruhi followed him.

"Kyoya, do you think they'll tell anyone about us? Or that it'll get out?" she asked. They could talk freely up here, because at this point they were so far up nobody could hear them.

"I don't care if others find out so much as-" "Renge." They said simultaneously.

"Didn't you know that she dedicated a shrine to me back when she first came to Ouran?" Kyoya said casually. Haruhi nodded; they'd all heard about the shrine at one point or another. She was scared to death of the day when Renge erected one in her honor.

"She also sacrifices babies and virgins at it every Tuesday." Kyoya deadpanned, completely kidding.

"How is Tamaki still alive?" Haruhi asked. Kyoya's laughter echoed through the stairwell.

* * *

"And we're clear." Kaoru said, as they ran into their room and shut the door behind them. Hikaru just kept running and used his momentum to make a flying leap onto the bed. Kaoru laughed at his brother's antics, and took a seat on the huge, fluffy rug that covered the floor.

"Sure that you don't want to join me, brother dearest?" Kaoru asked jokingly. Hikaru just gave him a look that said 'Really?'.

"I'm fine up here." Hikaru said, stretching in an almost catlike manner into the mounds of fluffy pillows.

"Well, I guess you won't be able to see this then…" Kaoru teased, grabbing the security monitor from his pocket. Hikaru leapt off of the bed and attempted to tackle his twin. That attempt failed miserably, because Kaoru merely leaned over, and Hikaru got a mouth full of furry white rug.

As soon as Hikaru had picked himself up and gotten settled on his stomach, Kaoru mirrored his position and set the monitor between them.

"So, who first? Haruhi and Kyoya, Tono, or the kitchen?" Kaoru asked. Hikaru thought about for a second.

"Haruhi and Kyoya probably won't be up there yet, and walking up stairs isn't interesting…Tono."

Kaoru fiddled with several buttons on the side of the screen, and flickered through several possible locations until he found Tamaki.

They looked at each other and promptly burst out laughing.

Tamaki was wandering aimlessly around the foyer. Mori and Hunny had somehow found Hikaru and Kaoru's favorite spot, a secret panel in the foyer's ceiling. It was actually a trapdoor in the floor of the secondary kitchen's pantry. Mori and Honey were both holding something, but they were too far away to see what.

"Wait a sec – zoom in." Kaoru said. Hikaru did as he'd asked. When the camera finally focused on the trapdoor, they saw a disaster waiting to happen. Poised to drop were several desserts – mousse, a triple layer ice cream cake, and a gigantic banana cream pie that their mom particularly liked. Mori was armed with several bottles of maple syrup that he was more likely than not going to squirt on Tamaki's head.

The seniors had taken initiative. Looked like Hikaru and Kaoru were rubbing off on them.

The twins watched in approval as they opened fire. Mori drizzled the maple syrup onto Tamaki's head. The blonde stopped, ran a hand through the sticky liquid covering his hair, and tasted it. For unfathomable reasons, he didn't look up to see the source of the syrup. And then Hunny dropped the ice cream cake. It was a direct hit, and Tamaki screamed loudly and piercingly, like a girl. He started to run in circles, attempting to avoid the confectionary attack. The pie splattered on the floor next to him, covering him in drops of banana cream filling. Mori, unable to hit Tamaki with syrup because the blonde was moving too fast, was lazily writing WATCH OUT in syrup on the marble floor. When a pile of mousse landed on his foot, Tamaki dropped to the floor and screamed "I give up! Just don't get me any dirtier!" After dropping a final cream puff on Tamaki, Mori and Honey silently shut the door.

Tamaki started licking the floor.

Getting up was a bit of a problem for him, as the floor was so slippery.

When he got up twenty minutes later, after cleaning a two foot square area of tile with his tongue, he screamed when he saw the maple syrup message Mori had left him.

Thinking as rationally as he possibly could when drunk, Tamaki tried to decide where the safest place in the mansion would be. Where could he 'watch out' for trouble?

_The roof!_ It was really, really, high, and he could look for everyone when he was up so high!

* * *

Haruhi opened the door to the roof, sighing in relief at the fresh air. It had gotten incredibly hot in that stupid stairwell. She had been cursing the twins with every step she took – they had forgotten to mention that Haruhi and Kyoya would have to climb eight flights of stairs to get to the godforsaken roof.

They walked into the cool night air, examining the area they were to be confined in until Hikaru and Kaoru signaled them. Haruhi stood at the edge of the roof, her hands on the rail, looking at the gardens. The breeze felt amazing, and the lit pathways formed an interesting shape from above.

Kyoya sat on the concrete floor, trying to figure out how the security monitor worked. It was clear after several minutes that the batteries were dead, or the contraption was malfunctioning. Annoyed, Kyoya put the dismantled screen aside and looked at Haruhi. She looked amazing in her party outfit, a teal dress belted at the waist with a slim, navy patent leather belt. He smiled – Fuyumi had forced her into the outfit, insisting that it was only polite to arrive at the twin's house properly attired. The twins wouldn't have cared if she showed up in sweatpants and a t-shirt, but Haruhi believed Fuyumi. She also looked freezing. The chilly air had felt nice after the exertion of going up four hundred and seventy six steps, but now she was shivering. It was a rather chilly night for June.

Kyoya took a good look around the roof, and realized that there was absolutely nothing to do up on the roof, and nothing on it aside from various pipes, etc. He walked over to Haruhi and put his hands on her waist.

"We have all this time, and nothing to distract us…"Kyoya murmured into her ear. She turned around and put her arms around his neck.

"Very, very true." She turned her face up for a kiss, and Kyoya didn't disappoint. For several minutes, the roof was quiet except for the broken rhythm of ragged breathing, the quiet whisper of their lips moving together, and the rustle of clothing.

And then the damn screen beeping.

They broke apart, and Kyoya swore. Tamaki was less than one hundred meters away, and who knew what he would do when he drunkenly walked in on his best friend and his secret crush making out with abandon.

Haruhi whipped her head from side to side, looking for somewhere to hide. Most of the roof was bare concrete, with air conditioning units and whatever sort of crap it took to keep a mansion running on the other side. The only place available was…a gap between some huge behemoth of a machine and the wall. It would have to do.

"Kyoya!" She said quietly. "Over here!" They crammed into the tiny gap between wall and mechanism, without a second to spare. The door to the roof slammed against the wall, and out came Tamaki.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for sticking with this guys. I promise I won't procrastinate and wait a week to post. **

**I'd like to thank everyone who has reviewed so far – you six are the best.**

**Ok, I will now take this time to beg. Please review, as it gets the story up faster for you, and makes me super happy so that I will want to write more. Seriously, reviews will keep me off of drugs. I hope you can tell I'm kidding about that.**


	3. Wish Granted

**A/N: I've been listening to All About You by McFly while I write this. It's super reminiscent of the Beatles, who I love. A lot.**

**Okay, the alliterations in chapter one that I forgot to tell you guys about…no one found any. I'm pretty sure they were too subtle. Here they are, with the alliteration and then the location:**

**Tipsy Tamaki - main description **

"…**supply of strawberry shortcake." – story, the very first paragraph after the A/N.**

"**Wondering what to do would only waste…" – story, seventh paragraph.**

"…**cowered in a corner covered…" – story, seventeenth paragraph from the bottom.**

**I'm going to shut up now and present you with chapter three, Wish Granted.**

* * *

"OH-OH-OH MY GOD!" Hikaru said, convulsing with laughter. "Look…who found…the roof!" Hikaru and Kaoru were laughing so hard that they had ceased to make noise. They watched as Tamaki made his way loudly up the stairs, still covered in sugary treats.

"And they can't hear him!" Kaoru gleefully noted. Tamaki was making an extraordinarily large amount of noise on the stairs, tripping on the carpeting and yelling random phrases to hear the echoes, but Haruhi and Kyoya couldn't hear him. They were quite _occupied_ with each other, and remained unaware of the impeding threat until the proximity alarm went off.

This was quite possibly the best birthday party Hikaru and Kaoru had ever had.

Not only did they have blackmail material, but chaos was ensuing on the roof. They couldn't have planned this more perfectly- Tamaki had snuck up on Haruhi and Kyoya, and he was sure to throw a gigantic fit if he caught them. That would be _much_ more entertaining than watching him wander around the mansion in a drunken daze. There really was nothing better than a successfully executed plot.

And if the plan Hikaru was about to set in motion was successful, then tonight would only get better.

**

* * *

**

"What are we going to do?" Haruhi mouthed silently to Kyoya. They were crammed between the wall and the damn equipment, whatever it was. The cold from the metal was seeping through the thin back of Haruhi's dress, and she was silently cursing Tamaki.

"Wait." he mouthed back. "If he moves over to that side, we'll have a clear shot at the door. Remember that exit to the hall four flights down? As soon as we get the chance, run like crazy for it." Haruhi nodded her assent, and then froze as Tamaki shifted.

And then they waited. For seventeen excruciatingly long minutes, they stood and silently watched as Tamaki paced in their pathway to the door.

**

* * *

**

Hikaru and Kaoru were getting bored. They could only stand several minutes of watching Haruhi and Kyoya hiding from Tamaki. When they flipped over to the kitchen camera, they found that Mori and Hunny were doing nothing exciting – Hunny was reading a new cake recipe aloud to Mori, who was copying it down diligently for Hunny to take home.

And as everybody knows, when the Hitachiins get bored, they get…_interesting._ Hikaru suddenly spoke, unable to take the boredom.

"Kaoru…I need to ask you something." At this point, Kaoru was lying on the bed with his head hanging off of it, aimlessly twisting strands of the carpeting in his fingers.

"Shoot." he said. Hikaru took a deep breath, steadying his voice.

"How…how long have you been interested in…" he faltered; it just felt weird, to say the taboo phrase aloud.

"Guys?" he asked, still occupied with the carpet. "Well, it's always been that way, I suppose. I just never felt any other way. Sorry. I know it's awkward-"

"No, it's fine." Hikaru rushed to assure him. "Really, I don't care, considering I'm the same way." Kaoru was sufficiently surprised at this little revelation. It explained so much of Hikaru's attitude toward the girls at the club – that feigned interest, the glimpses of detachment that Kaoru sometimes saw.

"Figures." Kaoru said.

"What figures?" Hikaru said angrily. It's not like he pranced around like a little gay boy and spouted ridiculous crap like Tono did.

"You just don't act…straight. It's not obvious, but it's there if you look closely enough. I've never seen you ogling another guy or anything – the last thing you act like is what we do at club. It's just little things." Oh. So he wasn't blatantly gay. Thank Kami.

"Like what?" Hikaru asked, honestly wondering. He had to quell anything that could out him.

"I've _never _seen you check out a girl. Ever. Even when Haruhi came to Ouran, you sure pretended you were interested, but it was an act. One day I saw you talking to her during class – she was talking so intently to you and you looked like you were paying attention. When sensei called you up to her desk for failing something or other, a test, I think, I asked what you guys were talking about. And she told me that you were talking about law. _Law,_ Hikaru. You can barely stand that sort of thing!" Hikaru just nodded. He didn't remember that incident – it was just another day that Kaoru was describing, a daily occurrence.

"After that, I started to notice that you treated _every_ girl you interacted with this way. At club, in the halls, at Mom's business parties – there was always that detachment. It all adds up."

"Here they go!" Hikaru said. Kaoru shot off of the bed and joined Hikaru on the floor, sitting noticeably closer than he had beforehand. Hikaru could feel the heat radiating off of Kaoru, feel the fabric of Kaoru's pants sliding against his knee. Focusing on the video was going to be quite a problem.

**

* * *

**

Finally fed up with waiting, Haruhi decided to take action in the form of throwing a barrette from her hair in the direction they needed Tamaki to go.

He saw the shine out of the corner of his eye and ran towards it, wondering if it was a signal of some sort. Luckily, his first instinct wasn't to figure out _where_ the barrette came from, but rather what it was.

Haruhi and Kyoya made a break for it, running flat out to the door. Once through, they realized if they tried to run down the stairs it would be very loud. Improvising, Haruhi slammed the door shut. While she held it closed, she pulled two bobby pins from her hair and slid them into the lock, making it temporarily impossible to open the door. Knowing that Tamaki would be held back, they ran down the stairs and entered the hallway. When the door slammed shut, echoes reverberated along the deserted hallway. Moonlight poured through windows at regular intervals, creating pools of light along the floor. Chest heaving from the exertion, Kyoya slid down the door until he was sitting on the floor.

"Remind me to inform the twins that we are never pulling a stunt like this ever again." he said calmly. He sounded very unruffled for someone who had just sprinted four flights of stairs. Haruhi joined him, back against the door.

"If they would stop spiking Tamaki's drinks at parties, things would go a lot smoother." Kyoya nodded; he appeared to be lost in thought.

"Damn, it was cold up there." Haruhi sighed, leaning into Kyoya's side until he slid his arm around her shoulders. "It's nice in here, though."

She inhaled deeply, enjoying the smell of Kyoya's cologne, a mix unique to him. Spicy, with a hint of ginger and white tea.

"Kyoya, when do you think the twins are going to figure it out?" she asked.

"Figure what out, Haruhi?" he replied distractedly.

"That they love each other." she stated plainly.

"In all actuality, I have no idea. It's been pretty obvious to everyone else, but they seem determined to ignore what is right in front of them. Hopefully they'll stop being so oblivious and figure it out."

"They should. Everyone deserves to be happy."

**

* * *

**

"Sheesh, that was a low blow. I can feel the pain stabbing me through the heart." Hikaru deadpanned after hearing the couple's complaints. He switched the monitor off as soon as they made it to the hall, missing the latter half of their conversation. He stood and stretched his hands above his head.

"Hey Kaoru, you up for some cake?" His shirt had slid above his stomach; he tugged the troublesome garment down. "Tono is gonna be busy for a while."

"Sounds good." Kaoru said; they made their way to the door and down the hall.

"The pantry? For old time's sake?" Hikaru asked. "Actually, you have no choice. I love doing this."

As they walked into the pantry, Hikaru shut the door and flicked on the light switch. As he knelt and dusted a light coating of flour off of the trapdoor, Kaoru grabbed a worn rope ladder from an upper shelf. They hooked the ladder to the wall and slid down, neglecting the rungs and opting to slide down whilst holding the edges. They'd originally done this when they were seven, a few days after they had discovered the trapdoor in the pantry. When they were still testing it, they nearly gave their mother a heart attack when she found them hanging two stories in the air from a rope ladder.

Kaoru whooped as he slid down. There was nothing like the adrenaline rush, the feel of the ropes burning your hands and the sight of the marble floor rapidly rushing to greet you. He jumped off, skipping the last five feet or so.

They made their way to the kitchen quietly, not wanting to disturb the maids, whose rooms were also on the first floor. Kaoru rummaged through the refrigerator, and found several cupcakes. They left the lights off; if they turned them on, they were sure to alert the staff.

"Hikaru!" he hissed softly, "Found them!" Kaoru turned to the granite island and put the cupcake on a napkin. Hikaru emerged from the supply cabinet with candles and a lighter.

They pulled two stools up to the island, silently stuck the candle into the cupcake, and lit it. For several moments, they watched the shadows cast by the flame dance across the counter.

"Make a wish, little brother." Hikaru whispered. Eyes closed, both did as such. Their hands joined under the table, and on a silent count of three, they blew out the candle. Neither spoke, not wanting to break the spell that the quiet had seemed to cast upon them.

"What did you wish for?" Kaoru asked. In response, Hikaru turned to look at Kaoru. Then, without thinking or considering or even consciously deciding to, he pressed his lips against Kaoru's. He pulled back regretfully, very well aware that his actions might be viewed very differently by Kaoru. Kaoru had a strange look on his face.

"Funny, I wished for the same thing too." Kaoru said impishly. Gleefully, Hikaru leaned in again, and kissed him with abandon.

**

* * *

**

Hikaru and Kaoru found Tamaki later that night. He had passed out in the laundry room and was sprawled on top of a dryer, drooling. He had a deep red and orange scrap of fabric that looked vaguely Indonesian tied around his head as a headband. Knowing that when Tamaki woke up, he would have a killer migraine, Hikaru put a bottle of pills and a note in the breast pocket of Tamaki's vodka-stained shirt. The note instructed him to take two pills and find a better place to sleep then on the laundry machine.

After doing this, inspiration hit. The twins went to their room, and crept back into the laundry room with a full arsenal of markers and acrylic paints.

Snickering, they covered Tamaki in graffiti. After all, the first person to fall asleep at a party always has to get pranked.

* * *

**A/N: There will be an epilogue to this, guys – it's not over yet! I'm so grateful to everyone who has reviewed – a million times over. The support and comments make my day, always. There is really nothing better than seeing a review alert in my inbox.**

**I really don't think vodka would leave much of a stain on Tamaki's shirt, but…whatever. I wrote this, so I can determine the stain-a-bility of alcoholic drinks.**

**Who's seen the last chapter of Ouran? Oh lordy, for a little while there, I thought they wouldn't make it. I've never really been a Tamaki fan (really, Kyoya or Hikaru should've gotten Haruhi), but I thought that it was still…exactly what it needed to be. It's where the series was always headed, and it was just supposed to end up that way.**

**As I have said before, reviews will keep me off of drugs; they also induce euphoria, squealing with excitement in a fangirly manner, delight, and the inspiration to keep writing fanfiction.**


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